Waiting For an Answer

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in February 2013.

My husband and I have an 18 month old foster daughter.  When L was 5, we had been TTC for about 4 years and felt that God was calling us, not to have our own children right now, but to help other children.  With that calling on our hearts (mostly mine, and bless my husband for being such a willing partner on this journey!), we began the path of fostering. 

In March 2010, I suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  It was a devastating loss and I think of that little child often (she (he) would have been about 2 now).  But, that loss was really the catalyst into fostering.  I felt like God was saying, "yes, your body can still do this, but that's NOT what I'm asking you to do right now".  Message received. 

We began foster preparations in June 2010.  We were licensed April 2011.  It took quite a bit longer than we thought it would!  In the interim, from September 2010-June 2011, I took a hormone supplement in hopes of becoming pregnant.  Through increasingly higher doses, the process became more and more disheartening.  Finally, in June 2011, my doctor offered to give me two months on a higher still dosage.  I declined, feeling that my body had already been through enough over the last 9 months. 

On July 18, 2011, I was washing the lunch dishes when the house phone rang (which usually means it's a telemarketer!).  I was wearing my painting clothes from painting the bathroom that morning and hadn't even showered yet for the day. 

It was the licensing rep on the phone, there was a two day old baby waiting at the hospital with no one to take her home and she needed to be checked out in the next two hours.  Without a moment's hesitation, I said "YES!".  The licensing rep even questioned me for saying yes so fast, "don't you need to check with [hubby]?"  Hubby and I had already agreed on the parameters of what I would say yes to when we'd been told a placement had already found a home the month before when I'd had to call him and then call the licensing rep back. 

After we missed out on that little 6 m/o, we'd agreed on what would be an automatic yes.  So, I called hubby to tell him there would be one more person living with us by the time he got home from work.

After 9 months of a hormonal roller-coaster trying to get pregnant, I walked out of the hospital with a baby after two hours notice.  Sweet Baby is proof that God does indeed have a sense of humor. 

In August 2011, I discovered that I was expecting (imagine the surprise!).  Because of my previous ectopic, there was a lot of concern, testing, hormone shots to manage low progesterone and finally lots of testing again when SP refused to grow fast enough or vacate the premises on time.  So, one week late, we had an induction that went so easily, we know we had divine intervention.  SP was born June 6, 2012 on the 6th anniversary of my aunt's passing. 

In 18 months, our family has grown from 3 people to 5 and the kids now outnumber the adults.  It's hard to remember that mellow life of just me and a 5 year old hanging during the day, exploring the world with ease.  Right now I'm back in the trenches, changing diapers and forming little people who will one day (hopefully) be those chill 5+ year olds who will explore the world with me. 

It's such a huge thing to look at how much God can do in your life when you say yes.  Give God a fiat, and he'll change the world. 

Even though SB is such an integral part of our family, she is not yet a permanent part of our family.  With each day, the thought of her not staying forever seems a little less tangible, but it's still an ever-present possibility. 

She is part of our family in every sense but legally, so we continue to wait.  I attend court hearings every 3 months and the progress is staggeringly slow.  With every hearing, we hold out hope that she will be closer to being ours forever.  Our next court hearing is April 5, 2013. 

Please join us in prayer, especially this Lent as we wait in joyful anticipation of the Resurrection, that the Holy Spirit guides the judge and that God's will be done in all of our lives.  We pray His will is that SB stay forever, but please also pray that our hearts be open if that isn't the way it works out. 

The thought of having to give back my 2 y/o is heartbreaking in a way I can't fully absorb the enormity of such a thing.  For now, we'll keep waiting for an answer, and trusting that God will give us the strength for whatever the answer may be.  We are so grateful to all of our friends and family who lift us up in prayer and live with us in the uncertainty.  She's a beautiful, happy girl, as I mustered the courage to pipe up and tell the judge at court last week! 

Epilogue:  We found out in June 2013 that the court ordered a return home for SB.  It was crushing and heartbreaking, and I hope, also for her ultimate good.  I wouldn't trade that time with her in our family to save the heartbreak, and we just renewed our license in May 2017 to open our home once again to children in need.

Our Love Did That

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in November 2012.

I'm reading an interesting book right now; Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide...  It's all about the marriage relationship and caring for and loving your spouse in all areas of your married life.  Obviously, the title does have a little shock value included, but I was reading about the power of self-giving married love and the old saying, "our love is so [powerful, real, strong] that in 9 months we have to give it a name". 

This got me thinking about the physical manifestations of love walking around my house calling me "mom".  Two of them, I carried and gave birth to.  One of them, I did not.  Sweet Baby has been a foster child in our home for 16 months, since she was 2 days old. 

Last Friday, we had another court hearing in the string of the roller coaster ride that is our journey with her.  Her case is still uncertain, and prayers are much appreciated for the Holy Spirit to guide her outcome and prayers for our peace with whatever the outcome may be. 

So, I'm reading about how married love creates physical and also spiritual manifestations and I have this ever-present weight in the back of my mind about SB.  The author was discussing infertility and spiritual manifestations of a faith-filled union and it got me thinking about SB. 

Hubby and I originally became foster parents because we struggled with secondary unexplained infertility.  We felt called to open our home and never could have imagined the journey answering that call has taken us on. 

As I thought about SB and continued reading the book, SB came into the room and crawled into my lap.  In that moment, it hit me like a thunderbolt, our love DID make that.  Neither of our biological material went into her making, but she is most assuredly a product of our love. 

Our marriage created the home and we acted in accordance with God's will for our lives to bring another child into our family.  God really does do amazing things when we're open to life.  Since I've had this epiphany, I keep watching SB and realizing all the little quirks she's learned from us and the ways that she's grown that are a direct result of our nurturing.

Maybe it was obvious from the outside, but as I spent time with my husband and girls this Thanksgiving, that's what I was thankful for; that our love did that.

My Husband and St. Joseph

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in December 2011.

When my husband rejoined the Church through his Confirmation eight years ago, he chose St. Joseph as his confirmation name.  Since St. Joseph is a model father and husband and our wedding was the next weekend, I think my husband felt that this was the best possible expression of who he hoped to be.

It strikes me now that my confirmation name, Azariah (the earthly name archangel Gabriel took in healing and helping humans) wasn't too far from my vocation in life either.  I, too, take on a different name and work to bring comfort and healing - Mom - I'll work on being more angelic.

As I have reflected this Advent on the coming birth of Jesus, it struck me how much my husband lives out the life of St. Joseph, this struck me especially when L and I were reading in our Advent book together and I explained that Joseph was the foster father of Jesus.

FOSTER father, hey, I know a guy who does that!  I imagine my conversation with my husband paralleling Mary's conversation with Joseph, in both cases the wife presents the advent of a child the husband wasn't planning on, that isn't his, and that the wife feels God has given her a call to bring into their family.  In both cases, the husband loving submits to the wife's call from God and abandons himself to the care of this child. 

I imagine the journey of Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem, the discomfort, the uncertainty.  Many of these same feelings arise in the process of fostering.  Thinking about Joseph taking on a child not his own really makes me think about my husband's fostering of Sweet Baby over the last 5 months.

Never once has he said, "this was your idea, you get up" or "why did you get me into this?".  He has embraced God's call to care for SB with every bit of intensity that I have.  He snuggles her and her eyes light up when she sees "Daddy". 

She is truly our baby in many ways.  We have sacrificed all the things a parent sacrifices when they bring a newborn home; sleep, energy, time, money.  We have given her all the love we would our own biological child.  She is the gift of this Christmas season in our family. 

Many times, I'm asked how we can love and attach to a child we know has every chance of returning to her biological home.  I think the biggest reason is that when God calls you to something, he gives you the grace for it.  All children are a gift from God and essentially "on loan".  There are no guarantees with any child you bring into your family.  SB reminds us of this much more than the average baby might, but I still see her as "our baby" for whatever length of time God entrusts her to us.  I truly believe that after 5 years of openness to another child in our family, God has given us the gift of the child we expect this Spring because of our openness to care for SB. 

As we move closer to Christmas, I am struck more and more by my husband living out the vocation of St. Joseph, caring for our foster daughter. 

I knew when I married him that he would be a good husband and father; that was an important part of my discernment of a spouse, but I couldn't have fully known then how much he would ungrudgingly go through with me. 

This year has truly been our flight into Egypt with layoffs and uncertainty, but we have had unexpected joy along with the way, and we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our miraculous gift May 30th.

Someone's Intention

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in November 2010

This week has brought a lot of changes to our house.  My husband and I started foster parent training this week.  We had no idea what to expect.  What we were met with were enthusiastic trainers and lots of other potential foster parents who we will grow closer to over the next few months. 

I left the first session feeling renewed in our resolve, thinking about questions for next time and excited for the possibilities that will be opened up to our family.  After the long wait to start training, the class was really the boost I needed to keep me going through all the necessary steps towards licensing. 

This morning as I sat in mass, I contemplated all the changes that are going on in our lives and how very little anxiety and stress I feel over them.  There is such an overwhelming sense of peace and a lot of excitement in my daily life. 

The housework seems to still be manageable, even with a few nights a week gone from the house and L milking the mommy gone a little bit, but told me the other day it's "awesome" that I have a job.  Overall, I came to the conclusion as I sat in the pew this morning that I am someone's intention. 

It's true that I am doing my best to walk where God leads, but so much grace and peace has surrounded this time of transition in our home that I know my prayers have been joined by others.  Thank you my someone(s) for your prayers.  I pray that you too feel the grace and peace that God has blessed me with through your petition. 

The First Leap

This blog post was originally published on Annery at Home in September 2010

We are in the process of becoming a foster family.  So far, it seems like our steps towards the license have been full of little stumbling blocks.  In order to become a foster parent, you must be fingerprinted, background-checked, etc.  Fingerprinting usually takes about 15 minutes. When I arrived, the technician told me that the agency hadn't filled out the section they were supposed to and they couldn't process it without this.

Fingerprinting is only done twice a month, and I'm out of town for the next time they do it this month, so it needed to be that day or next month, putting everything back a month.  So, I called the agency, left a message and waited in line for the return call.  Remember that 15 minutes it was supposed to take?  I got my phone call 40 minutes after I left the message and was still nowhere near the front of the line. 

Apparently, I had been given an older form because there was great confusion over why I needed this number, was told I just wasn't looking at the form right, etc.  After convincing the agency of my need for this information, I was able to fill in my form, then I waited.  Over an hour later, I got in.

During this time, I kept questioning.  Is this a sign?  Are we not supposed to do this?  Is this some divine test of whether or not I have the patience to be a foster parent?  Why is every step so difficult?  Where has the wonderful, this is what we should be doing feeling gone?  Where is my certainty that this is our calling? 

As a natural worrier, it's hard to turn that instinct off and over to God.  Discernment and letting go are the twin pillars I struggle to carry.  Never is this more clear than at times of transition in our family.  With moving into foster parenting, we are opening a chapter in which we will have very little control over many things in our family life and home.  Strangers will need a humbling level of access to how we live, how we parent and who we are.   

I have a great need to look forward and plan everything out for decades.  Putting the lists down and being present is hard.  Knowing which step to take next when life is more uncertain than ever is excruciating. 

Sometimes one question for me becomes an unraveling of fabric, shouldn't I just go back to work?  Why do I have a master's degree and not use it?  Is our daughter getting as much out of life at home as she could be at school?  Will we have more children someday?  The questions are difficult.  That's the point. 

This is what walking by faith means.  It's easy to walk on with good feelings and happy thoughts, but when doubt and anxiety creep in, how do you walk then?  That's the real test.  I cannot walk by sight.  I learn that a little more each day. I fumble and stumble, but have come out better for it. 

Licensed

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in March 2011

The big news in our family this week is that our foster license is complete.  We have to turn in L's shot record and a few signed papers and then we'll be waiting for a phone call. 

The process seemed very, very long while we were going through it, so I was surprised by the feeling I had when the licensing rep told us we were set, "That's it?  You're just going to start calling us to care for strangers?"  The full reality and weight of the responsibility were placed upon us all in that moment. 

It became less abstract and more real when I realized that after our trip to CO next week to care for my nephew, we could be getting a phone call.  There might be another person at our Easter Egg hunt this year.  It really is like the feelings surrounding having our first child.  I knew what babies were like, I had plenty of time to prepare in my pregnancy, but nothing quite prepares you for the responsibility, joys and fears of parenting.  This is another voyage into the unknown.  We've read the books, gone to the classes, but it will be a learning and growing process as we go. 

God has led us here, and He will lead us through this phase of our lives.  It will be quite the journey, no doubt!

Our First Placement

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in September 2011

The pace of our lives is certainly different than last fall.

With all these changes, it's hard to recognize the steps along the way that led to this until I stop and start to rewind our year.  Last year at this time, my husband and I were waiting to start foster parent training.  Over the last couple weeks I've really been thinking about my husband's response to foster parenting.

Foster parenting is something I have felt called to do for a long time.  Last year, it became apparent that with our subfertility struggles, a baby of our own would not be in the picture for the year.....maybe some year.....God knows.  Because we haven't been able to have our own babies these last 5 years that we've been open, we had a space in our lives that would accommodate caring for other children. 

We received our first placement in July....a brand new baby straight from the hospital.  My husband has never once told me I needed to get up with her because this was my idea.  He has never once complained about having her in our lives.  Raising this baby for as long as we have her is not just my "project", my husband has jumped in with both feet and not looked back. 

This time has been such an amazing example of his generous spirit.  I knew when I married him that he would be a good husband and father, only God knew how truly impressive he would show himself to be these last 7 years. 

I am continually reminded through all the changes we've been through this year of the verse from Jeremiah...."for I know the plans I have for you....plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  To give you hope and a future"  If God had told me at the beginning of our lives together 7 years ago what was in store, I'm not sure I would have been able to walk through it without cringing and worrying about the next bad thing, I would have missed a lot of blessed moments.