Remembering

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in October 2012.

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my due date with our little saint Mara Celand.  I was only seven weeks along when I had a near-fatal ectopic rupture on March 1, 2010. Of course, there's no way to know if it was a boy or girl, but I think of the baby as a girl.  The thought of our only boy being the one we lost makes the memory a little more painful, so I think of the baby as a girl.  "Mara" is a form of Mary, which means "bitter" and "Celand" means "destined for heaven".  It was a bitter thing that after 4 years of trying, our baby was destined for heaven, her name is almost as much description as name and was a part of my healing process. 

Her loss is not as sad as it used to be.  There is still a regret or sadness and the occasional falling tears that she was not destined for a long life in this world, but she is our little intercessor and shares her feast with Bl. Pope John Paul II today.  Sometimes a sad moment strikes, and I've spoken of her occasionally.  I think it's important to remember our family separated from us for now.  I can't bring myself to make a cake today, but I am taking time to make a home-cooked meal for my family.  There is bread rising on the stove-top right now. 

The book of Jeremiah, especially 29:11 has been the thread of my life the last few years.  "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you; to give you hope and a future."  That promise has kept me holding on more than once.  As I look at my beautiful 15 month old foster daughter today, I know that she wouldn't be in this house, with this family without the loss of Mara.  Three months after I lost Mara, my husband and I started the process of becoming foster parents.  Thirteen months after that, I brought home a beautiful, perfect two-day old baby girl.  She has blessed our family richly.  When she was 4 weeks old, we found out we were expecting again.  I truly believe God has called us to walk the path we're on.  We are supposed to be the parents, for however long he chooses, to our foster daughter and our 4 month old was a true gift for answering the call to serve Him.  Each of our girls is precious and today I remember the one who helped our family look beyond our own walls and reach out to find our little SB.  Sometimes our blessings do come in rain drops.

As I sit here, so richly blessed and thankful for each of my treasures, I shed tears for the one I will only get to meet in heaven.  Saint Mara Celand and Blessed Pope John Paul II, pray for us.

What I Would Have Missed

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in February 2012.

Today is Sweet Baby's 7 month birthday.  Hard to believe how our lives have changed in 7 months.  The changes have been largely for the good and in many of the blessings we experience, I can see the relationship between an openness to God's will and the grace-filled moments.  Thinking about SB's 7 month birthday has got me thinking today about how our lives can be so radically directed and fruitful when we are open to God's will.

I have 2 parents who have been married 37 years; two older brothers, 5 younger sisters and one younger brother.  I have three nieces, three nephews, three sister-in-laws and a brother-in-law.  My little family also includes my husband, 6 y/o, a 7 m/o foster daughter and another daughter due May 30th.  We're a good looking bunch of people, right.

Update: I have two additional BILs, and the grand total for grandchildren for my parents is at 14 for now.

Thinking about how God's will can be scary and uncomfortable as SB's future is still so uncertain had me reflecting on my own parents living out their young married life.  My older brothers and I are the "expected" children.  By that, I mean, society would probably have given my parents a mental pass on having three kids because they had two boys in a row, but once they got that third one and had their "one of each", life started to deviate from society's picture of family. 

I remember some of the looks and comments that weren't supportive of my parents' openness to life and the plan God was calling them to for their lives.  There were many older ladies who smiled and said kind words to my mom about the lot of us, but we were definitely treated as a burden by society in many situations.  Now, this didn't start only AFTER there were 9 of us, so my parents had to swim upstream against this type of attitude for many of my younger siblings' arrivals. 

So I started thinking today, what would I have missed if my parents had done the comfortable thing instead of that which they were called to? 

Well, here's for starters.  My next youngest sister was a companion in childhood.  She is a nurse, saving lives and offering comfort to those who are suffering. 

#5 is a math teacher at a high school.  God bless the people willing to do that!  She works hard and provides a valuable service to her community.  She is married and expecting my newest nephew in June.  She has a great husband and a beautiful step-daughter who wouldn't be part of our lives without her.

#6 is my only younger brother.  Younger brothers are totally different than older brothers; for one thing, they're smaller than you and provide less of a teasing risk.  He's also one of the gentlest and most caring men I've ever met.  He will change the world in big and small ways through his life.  His beautiful wife would also not be a part of our family without him.

#7 is a light.  The world would be darker without her.  She is kind and thoughtful and will serve the world as an occupational therapist following her tour through graduate school.  She has yet to forgive me the temper of my youth when she was small, but perhaps someday.

#8 is gentleness.  She is a sweet spirit and draws people to her.  She doesn't speak overmuch, but some of the most poignant points are always hers.  She also has a habit of dropping whatever she's doing to play whatever L wants, this has made her quite the favorite.

#9 is the baby and so funny.  She is the typical teenager in many ways, but also takes the time to volunteer with SPEC (special people encounter Christ), and is always there to play with the kids and help out where she's needed.  When we brought SB home from the hospital, she was over nearly every afternoon playing with the girls while I rested.  I don't know how I would've made it through those first couple weeks without the extra help!

If I were the baby of the family, I would have missed:

•  Two weddings last summer
• Countless bonfires celebrated with siblings
• Dinners to celebrate the accomplishments of my siblings
• Graduations from high school and college
• A new nephew this summer
• Playmates as a child
• Learning to care for others before myself
• Numerous aunts and uncles for my children
• The joy of having such a unique and wonderful family

As much as I would have missed, I can't help but think the world would have missed so much too:

• Nurse
• Teachers
• Occupational Therapist
• Dental Hygienist
• Caring, contributing members of society
• Good friends
• Thoughtful adults

 Now, I'm not so narrowly focused as to think that God is calling every family to procreate at the rate of my parents, but think about this:  What ARE you being called to?  Is it a profession, a vocation, an act of service, another child?  We cannot imagine the fruit our "yes" will bear, but my beautiful family reminds me that even things that seem uncomfortable and scary while you're in the middle of it, done with love and for the glory of God, can bear the sweetest of fruits.

Being a foster parent is one of those uncomfortable and scary things, but when I look at my siblings, I know that this "yes" will bear fruit sweeter than my imagining.  I am thankful for the last 7 months with our beautiful Sweet Baby and without knowing the future, I will look to the examples before me in doing the scary and uncomfortable.  Thanks Mom and Dad.  <3

Injection Free

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in November 2011.

A couple more days and I'll be at the 11-week mark.  Last week I went to my nurse appointment. After running the blood tests, I got the call that I could stop taking the progesterone injections.

After a month of 3x a week shots, I was overly ready to be done.  As I said before, I really did try not to be a weanie about my shots., although this toughing it out came to a whole new level while I was out of town working.  Without my husband with me to give me the shots, it fell to me to give myself the injections. 

The first night I needed to give myself the injection, a close friend who lives near where I was working came over to my hotel and supervised me to make sure I was able to do it.  With her moral support, I gave myself the shot and it didn't seem so bad.  She actually took a picture of me injecting myself, but I'll spare you all, since not everyone is a fan of medical-type pictures.  The next time I had to give myself a shot, I really missed her help, it is huge to have someone telling you, "you're almost done!" 

As my friend termed it, I was "hardcore" about giving myself the injections, but I was relieved to be home and having my husband do the shots again!  I was even more relieved when I got the call that I could stop the shots altogether.

Now that I'm back home and life is settling into it's normal rhythm, I'm starting to feel a little of that first trimester exhaustion, last week is kind of a blur in fact.  I'm starting to worry a little about where we're going to live next year, with a new baby on the way and our foster daughter with us, our 2 bedroom house will soon be a really tight squeeze.  But I'm trying not to let those worries take over.

My husband is in his second week at a new job, and while I worry about how it will work out after all the ups and downs of the last six months, I have to have faith that everything will work out.

Every time I worry about where we're going to put all the kids, I take a breath and say a prayer that God give us the resources to care for the children He wants us to have.  I have to have confidence that Providence will be there.  My husband is a hard worker and if anyone can succeed in a new career of sales, it's him, although I may have to read this to remind myself of that when his income moves to straight commission in a couple months. 

God has been with us every step of the way and I have no evidence to the contrary that He will not continue to be, I'll just have to remind myself of that as I struggle against my natural anxiety-prone ways. 

God is faithful beyond my understanding.

Hope Grows

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in October 2011.

I've been pretty open about our struggles to conceive and the heart-wrenching loss of an ectopic pregnancy last year.  We have been open and waiting for children since L was about a year old.  She turned 6 this past July.  Doctors couldn't really find any problems that should prevent babies, but it was still five years and no babies.

About three months after I lost the ectopic pregnancy, my husband and I signed up to become foster parents.  I strongly felt like a baby of our own wasn't part of God's plan for us at that time.  We remained open, but it was a hard thing.  The licensing for foster parenting took about 9 months.  About halfway through, I started taking Clomid in hopes of having a baby.  I wanted to feel like I'd given everything I could to trying so that I would have no regrets.

I took Clomid for 9 months before discontinuing.  Sweet Baby was brought home from the hospital as our foster daughter shortly after I completed my ninth round of hormones.  It did feel like a little bit of God's sense of humor that I went through nine hormonal months and then brought a baby home from the hospital.

Sweet Baby will be 3 months old this weekend.  She's been a delight in our home.  Her goal is reunification, but we'll enjoy her every day we have her.

A couple weeks back, I had suspicions I was expecting.  Once a test confirmed those suspicions, the real battery of tests began.  Because of my history with the ectopic, my first step was blood testing.

A series of blood tests revealed that my hcg doubled as it should, but my progesterone levels were on the low side for supporting the baby's development.  I went in the next week to the doctor's office to get an injection of progesterone and for the nurse to show my husband how to give the injections (if you ever want a trust building exercise - this will truly test your limits!).  I'm on injections 3 times a week until week 10, when hopefully, the placenta will take over and I'll be in the clear. 

Due to the low progesterone and medical history, I went in for an ultrasound to confirm that the baby was growing in the right place.  It was nerve-wracking waiting for the ultrasound.  When the ultrasound confirmed that the baby was growing in the right location, it was the first moment I let myself hope that this pregnancy will be successful and I'll be holding a baby next summer.

That hope continues to grow; every day that goes by is one more closer to a healthy new baby. 

This pregnancy is totally different than L.  I was so oblivious to everything that could go wrong; now I find myself being much more careful and not taking this baby as a given. 

This pregnancy is a miracle and I'm so looking forward to growing Hope.

Praying for Patience

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in February 2011

It seems to be that when you pray for patience or hope or any virtue, God answers that prayer with plenty of opportunities to exercise and grow that virtue in your life. 

 Waiting for the gift of another child in our family has been perhaps the most notable area of growth in patience.  There are also, of course, the daily opportunities with a strong-willed 5 year old to practice patience.

I recently read a Kimberly Hahn book called Life-Giving Love. The beautiful take-away was that God calls us to openness and will bless us with fruitfulness, it may be the physical manifestation of fruitfulness in children, or it may be a spiritual fruitfulness, but openness ALWAYS leads to fruitfulness.

This book really mirrored and reinforced a lot of the thoughts I've had regarding the difficulty to have more children.  First, gifts are truly unmerited blessings. 

L was a blessing that I was not fully prepared to embrace; I had many things to do on my own time-table and took for granted that children would come when we planned them, not a moment sooner.  Retrospectively, I thank God that our marriage included NFP and an openness to children through it that allowed the gift of L.  God knew that this child at that time would lead us to where we are now.  She has also been a great consolation in not having additional children. 

In looking back at the last 4-5 years of openness, willingness and eagerness for additional children, I see lessons and growth that I wouldn't have chosen for myself.  Like a child taking a bitter medicine, I never would have chosen this path; although as I look back on it, I see the benefit. 

I never would have chosen to be so obedient and open to the will of God in my life - that has been a lesson painfully and tearfully acquired.  Perhaps the thicker the skull, the bigger the lesson needs to be.

I reflect a lot on my ruptured ectopic on March 1, 2010 - nearly a year ago.  On that day, we lost a child and my family nearly lost me.  The grief of that time was extreme.  There still remains a residual sadness and occasionally I think about how old that baby would be now (4 months this week), but through the suffering, I can see the path and the purpose. 

I have called the time around that loss my crucible.  My compassion was deepened, my appreciation for the blessing of life was increased and my willingness to be obedient to God's plan was tested and strengthened. 

My path to salvation is undoubtedly linked to this suffering and growth.  As a part of grieving, we named the child we lost Mara Celand.  Mara means "wished for daughter" and Celand means "destined for heaven"; together it fully encompasses that child's life with us and for eternity in heaven. 

I carried a saint inside me and now our family has an intercessor at the throne of God.  I pray for her intercession for her future siblings yet to be born.  Yet I humbly submit my fertility and the plans for our family to God's will.  Mara brought us one step closer to heaven and God, in His infinite wisdom, may see that we need more steps to fully reach Him. 

The pursuit of God's plan has led us to the process of foster parenting.  Yet again, prayers for patience have led to waiting, waiting, waiting.  We have been pursuing foster parenting since June 2010. 

In November, we turned in the myriad of paperwork and began classes.  Late January we finished courses.  Still not done yet, still praying that God's will be done, but starting to wonder if this is the path we are still supposed to take - or if there was another reason we were led to this path.  The meetings being canceled and pushed back, the paperwork still not cleared by the state;are these signs that God's will doesn't lead in this direction, or that God knows our patience could use the workout? 

The answer probably won't come today, so I'll focus on the tasks of today and not borrow tomorrow's troubles. 

St. Mara, pray for us.