Remembering

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in October 2012.

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my due date with our little saint Mara Celand.  I was only seven weeks along when I had a near-fatal ectopic rupture on March 1, 2010. Of course, there's no way to know if it was a boy or girl, but I think of the baby as a girl.  The thought of our only boy being the one we lost makes the memory a little more painful, so I think of the baby as a girl.  "Mara" is a form of Mary, which means "bitter" and "Celand" means "destined for heaven".  It was a bitter thing that after 4 years of trying, our baby was destined for heaven, her name is almost as much description as name and was a part of my healing process. 

Her loss is not as sad as it used to be.  There is still a regret or sadness and the occasional falling tears that she was not destined for a long life in this world, but she is our little intercessor and shares her feast with Bl. Pope John Paul II today.  Sometimes a sad moment strikes, and I've spoken of her occasionally.  I think it's important to remember our family separated from us for now.  I can't bring myself to make a cake today, but I am taking time to make a home-cooked meal for my family.  There is bread rising on the stove-top right now. 

The book of Jeremiah, especially 29:11 has been the thread of my life the last few years.  "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you; to give you hope and a future."  That promise has kept me holding on more than once.  As I look at my beautiful 15 month old foster daughter today, I know that she wouldn't be in this house, with this family without the loss of Mara.  Three months after I lost Mara, my husband and I started the process of becoming foster parents.  Thirteen months after that, I brought home a beautiful, perfect two-day old baby girl.  She has blessed our family richly.  When she was 4 weeks old, we found out we were expecting again.  I truly believe God has called us to walk the path we're on.  We are supposed to be the parents, for however long he chooses, to our foster daughter and our 4 month old was a true gift for answering the call to serve Him.  Each of our girls is precious and today I remember the one who helped our family look beyond our own walls and reach out to find our little SB.  Sometimes our blessings do come in rain drops.

As I sit here, so richly blessed and thankful for each of my treasures, I shed tears for the one I will only get to meet in heaven.  Saint Mara Celand and Blessed Pope John Paul II, pray for us.

Praying for Patience

This post originally appeared on Annery at Home in February 2011

It seems to be that when you pray for patience or hope or any virtue, God answers that prayer with plenty of opportunities to exercise and grow that virtue in your life. 

 Waiting for the gift of another child in our family has been perhaps the most notable area of growth in patience.  There are also, of course, the daily opportunities with a strong-willed 5 year old to practice patience.

I recently read a Kimberly Hahn book called Life-Giving Love. The beautiful take-away was that God calls us to openness and will bless us with fruitfulness, it may be the physical manifestation of fruitfulness in children, or it may be a spiritual fruitfulness, but openness ALWAYS leads to fruitfulness.

This book really mirrored and reinforced a lot of the thoughts I've had regarding the difficulty to have more children.  First, gifts are truly unmerited blessings. 

L was a blessing that I was not fully prepared to embrace; I had many things to do on my own time-table and took for granted that children would come when we planned them, not a moment sooner.  Retrospectively, I thank God that our marriage included NFP and an openness to children through it that allowed the gift of L.  God knew that this child at that time would lead us to where we are now.  She has also been a great consolation in not having additional children. 

In looking back at the last 4-5 years of openness, willingness and eagerness for additional children, I see lessons and growth that I wouldn't have chosen for myself.  Like a child taking a bitter medicine, I never would have chosen this path; although as I look back on it, I see the benefit. 

I never would have chosen to be so obedient and open to the will of God in my life - that has been a lesson painfully and tearfully acquired.  Perhaps the thicker the skull, the bigger the lesson needs to be.

I reflect a lot on my ruptured ectopic on March 1, 2010 - nearly a year ago.  On that day, we lost a child and my family nearly lost me.  The grief of that time was extreme.  There still remains a residual sadness and occasionally I think about how old that baby would be now (4 months this week), but through the suffering, I can see the path and the purpose. 

I have called the time around that loss my crucible.  My compassion was deepened, my appreciation for the blessing of life was increased and my willingness to be obedient to God's plan was tested and strengthened. 

My path to salvation is undoubtedly linked to this suffering and growth.  As a part of grieving, we named the child we lost Mara Celand.  Mara means "wished for daughter" and Celand means "destined for heaven"; together it fully encompasses that child's life with us and for eternity in heaven. 

I carried a saint inside me and now our family has an intercessor at the throne of God.  I pray for her intercession for her future siblings yet to be born.  Yet I humbly submit my fertility and the plans for our family to God's will.  Mara brought us one step closer to heaven and God, in His infinite wisdom, may see that we need more steps to fully reach Him. 

The pursuit of God's plan has led us to the process of foster parenting.  Yet again, prayers for patience have led to waiting, waiting, waiting.  We have been pursuing foster parenting since June 2010. 

In November, we turned in the myriad of paperwork and began classes.  Late January we finished courses.  Still not done yet, still praying that God's will be done, but starting to wonder if this is the path we are still supposed to take - or if there was another reason we were led to this path.  The meetings being canceled and pushed back, the paperwork still not cleared by the state;are these signs that God's will doesn't lead in this direction, or that God knows our patience could use the workout? 

The answer probably won't come today, so I'll focus on the tasks of today and not borrow tomorrow's troubles. 

St. Mara, pray for us.